The wedding was actually the next day. I was to nervous to ask for any days off, which meant that I only had the weekend. Having just had a whirlwind of a few hours. I was in no state to do much more than go to sleep.

      No Bachelorret Party for me!

      It's not as if I would have gone anyway. Even after spending a year in the craziness of California. I was still a bit of a shut in. Preferring my own peace and quiet to anything else. This of course didn't stop me from looking forward to the actual wedding. Which I'm sure was beautiful. Unfortunately, I was so concerned about whether or not I made a good impression on John. That I didn't pay attention to much else.

      "The memories that ring clearest are the ones regarding jealousy and a bit of annoyance."

      Who are all of these women?

      John was dancing with yet another Fluzy, Ditzy and air headed woman just like the last. 

      "OR so I thought at the time. Children, you must realize. Jealousy makes us think in all manner of ways."

       I sat at a table off to the side of the dance floor. Sipping on what, I was told, is called a rum and Coke. I loved coke so I figured it would be good. Truthfully, it could have been Cyanide and I wouldn't have known. The blonde waltzing with John was occupying my attention.

      What does she have? Other than looks and confidence... Probably comes from a good family too.

      I slumped in my chair. It would take more than a beautiful dress and wedding venue to bring me up.

      I began to realize that it took more than pretty things to make a person beautiful. Looking at the other wedding guests. I realized all that that entailed. In a typical style of self-loathing. I began to think that I was lacking. 

      So this is why people drink.

       Looking around I noticed there was more than just looks to being attractive. There was confidence, charisma, and the assuredness that you could achieve your goals, and not just dream about them.

       It was at this moment I thought to myself. "There's no reason I shouldn't have what I want."

       The beginnings of a revelation were beginning to form in my head. It seemed as though:

       If I limit myself to what others have said I'm capable of. Then I'll never know what I'm actually capable of."

       At the time I had no idea what that truly meant. It may have been a stroke of psychological genius or the Rum aspect of my newly acquired beverage talking, but the revelation struck a chord with me.

       It was at that moment I heard an unexpected and very shaky voice.

      "Would you like to dance?" 
      "Jo", I started to say, but realized it was Roger. He was persistent. I give him that. A bit of my old low self esteem started to brim as I wondered what was so interesting about me that a guy would badger me. I remember thinking to myself that this attitude wouldn't do. "Confidence draws confidence". I tried to remember how some of the celebrity actresses whose phone calls I used to patch through sounded. I responded with a "Well certainly" in a high-pitched airy tone. If John wanted to play hardball, I would play just as hard.

      Unsure of where this antagonistic attitude was coming from. I got up to dance. 
      At the time of my decision, I didn't realize just how out of my own league I was. I quickly realized that. Whengirl number 6 or 7 came dancing through the center of the dance floor with John leading the way. The woman gave me a dirty look as she did. I had no clue why. Though at the time all I could think was. "Where are all of these women coming from? Arent most of the guests from his own side of the family"? It was a this time that I realized yet another snag in my plan. Roger wasn't exactly much competition. "Im sorry about this Roger". I said under my breath. 
      Now kids, what you need to know. Is that love makes you do crazy things. In my desperation to get John's attention. I completely forgot that I have about the same rhythm and timing as a 3 legged dog. Before I knew it I had accidently sent Roger whirling into a drink table. He luckily didn't hit it. Why is that you ask? Because the man I was starting to think of as a greek hero intercepted him. I realized then watching his quick reaction that this must be the brother that just got back from Vietnam. 

      Great I'm falling for a Jarhead
      "Now what you kids may not know is. At the time there was a lot of scorn for vets and soldiers currently fighting in Vietnam. Especially in the hippie central state of California. I didn't have much to do with politics. Governor Regan was doing his job and that was all that mattered. There were parents out there however, that may not allow a marraige to one of these such soldiers. Being that I didn't have to worry much about that. I let the idea pass."
      "Oh, ahh thanks", said Roger stumbling to his feet. Very red in the face as he did. He dusted himself off as the big man slapped him on the shoulder. As he did he pointed out that Roger's date, meaning me, was waiting for him. As he did so I could swear he gave me a wry smile and his tone suggested he was mocking Roger. Now most women would fain ignorance and act like John saved the day. It was a golden opportunity to get his attention. Then again, most women are better at the whole dating thing than I am. I grabbed Roger by the arm and said "Let's go". The next time I sent the boring little guy flying. Id make sure to do so in a different direction.
      With that, the wedding was pretty much over. At least for me. Roger said he'd call next Friday and take me out. What he forgot to ask is how long Id be in town for. Lucky for him I actually had the entire week off work. Apparantly some kind of heat related outage typical of a Californian summer left the office without electricity. The higher-ups didn't want to pay people to sit around. So they gave us the week off. Without pay of course.

      I was delighted to get that phone call the day of the wedding before the big event. After the wedding however, was a little different. I did want to get to know my family a bit better, but in all honesty. I had really wanted to get to know John better. To bad I pretty much made myself look ridiculous the night of the wedding. It felt as though that ship had sailed.

      Hindsights 20/20 after all

      With the event over. I found myself sitting in my stepbrother's house a few days later. Having accepted my losses, or at the very least attempting to salvage what was left. I wanted to make the most of my vacation.

      What I failed to account for was just how BORING Wisconsin was. There is only so much TV to watch and radio to listen to. Also back in the day, your magazine choices tended to revolve around local industry. At the time I had no interest in reading "Dairy Cow Weekly".
        I was trying to find something to do that next Thursday, while my brother was out. I answered the phone.

      "Hello, this is Lynne Mckenzie speaking".
      "This is John Holland. My brother said I could reach you at this number". I nearly dropped the phone. 
      "Ok, he's just a guy breath". I told myself. There's that feeling again. This time I was able to piece together that I wasnt dying per se. More or less the Grimm Reaper must be testing how I handle stress.
      "Hello, you still there". Came the voice on the other end.
      "Ah, yes". I said once I could string together a sentence and speak clearly. 
      "Ya wanna go on a date tomorrow"? He asked... This time I did drop the phone. "Helllooo"
      "I. I'm still here. I think that will work". I answered. Somewhere I had heard you want to play it cool. Dont make it to easy. In the back of my head, I vaguely remembered I had another thing to do on Friday, but it must not have been that important. 
      "Good, I'll pick you up at 8". With that, it was over. I was so shocked I forgot to ask if he even knew the address. I figured he'd be able to get it from his older brother or maybe already did. I wasn't even sure if the newly married couple had left for their honeymoon or not.
    "Now what was that other thing I had to do"? I asked myself. "Oh shoot, Roger". This call would be most awkward indeed.

    When I called he answered immediately, and believe me it was awkward. 
    "Hello is this Roger"? I asked. It dawned on me that I didn' even know his last name. Well it wouldn't help me now so I disregarded the lack of information
   "It is". he responded. 
   "Good good," I said still trying to come up with the necessary lines. "This is Lynne, Im going to have to cancel our date tomorrow." I had never even been asked out before let alone broke up with a guy I wasn't even dating. This was indeed awkward. There was a moment of silence.
   "Its that John guy isnt it"? I couldnt find any reason to lie so I admitted it.
   "Well I hope it works out for you". He said and then the phone cut out.

   "Looking back, I now realize that while at the time I felt terrible. At least I inspired the guy to show some back bone. Now that I think about it I think his name was Smith. At one point I remember my sister talking about a Roger Smith making a lot of money in a business deal investing or something in the area...Anyway back to my big date"
   It was Friday. I was all done up and ready to impress. My year in the big city taught me a lot about how attractive women act and behave. Basically, laugh at all his jokes and wear enough makeup to choke on and you should be good. It was now 8:00 sharp. I figured since he was military I should expect him here right on the dot. '
   "Hmm thats weird", I said under my breath. It was now 8:05 pm and still no headlights shone out of my older brother's window.  "Ba bump ba bump ba bump." My heart started to beat faster and faster as I grew irrationally anxious. "He was just running late, he may have had a hard time finding the place". I told myself in an effort to calm myself down. I began to wonder how much more of these pseudo-heart attacks I could withstand. The old saying that love hurts fluttered through my mind, but was overshadowed by the thought of. "What if love actually can kill? Had that been an idiom or an actual lesson lost to the ages?" 
   "I went into detective mode. What people now adays wouldnt understand is you couldnt just check caller ID and call back. You either had the number or knew someone who did or called the operator."

   OK calm down

    Another 5 minutes passed and so did another early death caused by a heart attack. I began to realize that even if he didnt know how to get ahold of me. He certainly would be able to ask his older brother who would then have been able to tell him through his new wife that I was staying at my brother Rick's house. I had since recalled that there wasn't going to be a honeymoon. Lance used the money to fund a new business venture.

   There was also the fact that he called me. He certainly knew how to get ahold of me. I did the math in my head and double-checked it. I then ran by all the options 3 more times. I found myself with pen and pad in hand. It was at 8:45 pm, still having not received a call. That I realized

   Hold on, carry the one, and multiply by the decimal. Yep, I was being stood up.
   At that moment every insult my mother had ever thrown at me became real. I wasn't good enough. A tear came to my eyes as I realized it, but then something else took hold in my mind. I made it through school, and all the stress that accompanied my first 18 years of life. I didn't allow myself to wallow in self-pity. That was the recurring theme in my life. Whenever things got bad I always acted to make the situation better.

   When I realized college wasn't an option I took trade school classes. When we got kicked out of yet another apartment I got a job so I could at least afford a night at a hotel, and buy a used sewing machine to make my clothes. Most of all, when I got tired of being trapped by my parents, by the windy city itself. I moved halfway across the country to big new beginnings and made a life for myself.

   This incident was no different. I would act like it didn't bother me until it didn't anymore.

   Fake it till you make it!